The Fanfic Side
by Rachel Madden

Finally, something to make you all feel weird, to the point of feeling absurdedly so! Have fun reading this weird, yet hysterically funny (well, my opinion) story!

Happy (Weird) Birthday, Clark!
Written By: Molly (mpsl27@aol.com)
Submitted: June 16, 1998
Rated: PG
Author's Note: I wrote this one night for Gretchen (folczrus@aol.com). We were IMing each other and she let me IM her a fanfic that I made up as I went along. And this was it. At the time I wrote it, I was sick, so if this fanfic sounds a little weird, blame it on the sickness.


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Once upon a time, Lois and Clark were in their apartment. Naturally, they were married and very happy. But Clark had a weird obsession. He loved to lick Lois's ear. She thought this was very weird, but naturally accepted it because she figured Clark knew more about romance than she did. Why she thought THAT, I do not know.

One day, Clark started licking further down. It wasn't like a wet lick, it was more like little kisses with a french twist. He was going farther and farther down...

"Stop!" Lois cried, giggling.

"What?" he said, looking hurt.

"That tickles!"

He grinned. "I'm sorry! Does THIS tickle?" he asked, and proceeded to go even lower.

"CLARK!!"

This time, she looked upset.

"What?" Clark asked.

"Just...stop," she said. "You're making me uncomfortable."

Clark's eyes widened. "Don't be ridiculous. We're married, we're supposed to do this kind of stuff."

"Well," she said. "Maybe you should have married someone else."

"Like who?" Clark demanded.

"LIKE SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO BE LICKED?"

Clark frowned. "I thought all women liked to be licked. What's wrong with you?"

Lois glared at him. "Don't you hear a cry for help or something?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," Clark said icily, spinning into his Superman suit and flying out the window.

Lois sighed. Then she laughed. "Okay, you can come out now," she said. The closet door opened...And Martha, Jonathan, and Jimmy stepped out.

"Whew!" Jimmy said. "CK sounded really mad at you, Lois! Not that I was eavesdropping or anything!"

"Well, I'm glad we FINALLY got him out of the house!" Lois said. "Now MAYBE we can set up for his surprise party without him actually, you know, BEING here!" she laughed.

Martha smiled, but was still a little concerned. "I know Clark," she said. "And I know that he might not be back for awhile, especially after you wouldn't let him--uh, lick you."

Lois giggled. "Don't worry, he'll be back!"

Jonathan and Jimmy got busy setting up decorations, and Martha started preparing the food.

"Okay," said Lois. "Even though Clark's probably a little mad right now, he knows that he's supposed to meet me at Layner's Cafe at 5pm. Then, we'll take a cab back here at 6:15, and then everyone will jump out and say 'surprise'."

"Don't worry about a thing," Martha assured her daughter-in-law. "Everything will be ready by the time you get back."

Lois was getting nervous. She had a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was sure everything would work out, but her life NEVER went as planned!

At exactly 5pm, Clark landed in the alley behind Layner's Cafe, spun into his Superman suit, and went inside.

He saw Lois, sitting with a really cute guy at a table. He superheared to listen in on their conversation.

Lois was saying, "Yeah, you were great."

The cute guy was saying, "Thanks".

"You were REALLY great," Lois was saying. "You kind of make me want to...oh I don't know..."

"Stop! You're making me blush!" the cute guy said. "I've had a lot of experience," he added modestly.

Clark couldn't believe what he thought he was hearing! His eyes darkened, and he ran over to their table. "Hi, Lois!" he said cheerfully, pretending he hadn't heard a thing. He nodded towards the cute guy. "Who's this?" he asked.

"Oh! This is Bill," Lois said. "We knew each other in college."

Bill smiled. "You must be Clark. You're a lucky guy," he added, gesturing towards Lois. Clark grinned. His thoughts drifted back to the licking incident, but he chose to ignore the thoughts.

"Bill was just up on stage singing to the karioke machine," Lois said. "I was just telling him how great he was. I told him he should go into singing as a career."

Bill blushed. "You really thought I was good?" he asked

Lois nodded. Then she smiled sweetly. Then she said, "Get lost, Bill."

Bill got lost...literally. He ended up in the women's bathroom.

Clark sat down at the table. "Hi, Honey," Lois said. "I'm sorry about earlier...do you forgive me?"

"Of course," Clark whispered, and kissed her, even though it was in public.

"I love you, Birthday Boy," she said, grinning.

"You remembered!" Clark exclaimed, as if Lois would ever forget.

"Oh course I remembered!" Lois said. "So," she said jokingly. "How old are you now?"

"Hmmm, how old do you think I am?"

Lois looked perplexed. "You don't look a day over 32," she said.

"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!" Clark cried.

Lois gave him a quick kiss. "Are you ready to order?"

"Let's eat fast," Clark said. "I want to get to desert!"

"Of course you do," Lois said, patting him on the nose and giggling.

Clark thought Lois was acting a little weird.

"Lois, is something going on?" he asked.

"No. Nothing. What makes you think that? What would be going on? Clark, whatever are you THINKING?" Lois was babbling.

Clark shrugged and signaled the waitor.

At exactly 6:14, Lois and Clark were coming up the steps to their apartment/brownstone.

Lois didn't want Clark to suspect anything, so she was trying hard to keep him very busy.

She reached for the doorknob and opened the door. She was waiting for everyone to yell surprise. But...nothing. In fact, the light was on, and the place looked the same as how she'd left it.

Clark continued to plant kisses on his lovely wife.

Lois looked from left to right. It looked as if no one was there!

Suddenly, she heard a loud BANG.