folc central
Newsletter #45
December 8, 1998
In This Newsletter...
What's New?
The Diva Factor
The Obsession
Connection
The Fanfic Side
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What's New?
Today, December 8th, is Teri Hatcher's birthday! She's 34!
Dean
has reportedly just finished shooting an episode of "Fantasy Island", which
should air in early 1999.
Looking for Superman stuff? If you live in the
USA, visit your local post office soon! At my post office, there are only a few
small items left, so if you don't want to miss out on getting a piece of post
office and Superman history, you better get over there A.S.A.P.
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The Diva Factor
by Karen (LadyFOLC@aol.com)
T'is The Season
Not the Christmas
season. Any dork can write about that. Not that I don't love the holidays -
yuletide cheer and all that, sign me up for a big piece of jolly. But I'm
talking about something much more fulfilling, meaningful, and joyous - Oscar
season.
The Oscars, the Academy Awards, the Big Kahunas. And everything
leading up to it - the Golden Globes, the SAGs, The Director's Guild, The
Writers Guild, The National Review Board, etc. They get me all a-tingle. They
are the pinacle of Hollywood excess and glamour, and I love them for it. All the
back-stabbing, two-faced, hypocritical shallow "beautiful people" - I just love
them! It's like a big episode of Melrose Place, only on a grander scale. And
even though the Oscars are still a few months off, the first awards of the
season have been announced - The National Review Board. Went to a bunch of indie
films, it's inconsequential. The point is, the season is here. And in honor of
them, I'd like to give out some awards of my own: The Karen's Favorite Movie
Awards. These are going to my favorite movies to explain why they are my
favorites. Why not just give awards to movies I just saw this year? I only saw a
couple of movies this year, I'm afraid.
Most Fashionable Movie:
Evita. Surprised I
didn't say Titanic? I bet. But when you have as many costume changes as
Evita did, with so many beautiful vintage gowns and outfits, it has to go
to Evita.
Most Fun Movie To Watch When You Know The
Words:
Two-way tie between Grease and Billy Madison. If you
haven't seen either, shame on you. Grease is a classic, and I have a
raging crush on Adam Sandler.
Most Romantic Movie:
The Wedding
Singer. Still surprised I didn't say Titanic? Don't worry, it will
get something. Jack never wrote a song about Rose, did he? Go see The Wedding
Singer and if you're not all gooey-happy-crying after the end, if you don't
smile and gigle when he tries to go to her house and he's practicing what to say
as he walks down the street, and if you don't rejoice and sing along to "Love
Stinks" and "Somebody Kill Me" - you're not human.
Funniest
Movie:
In & Out. See it. It gets big bonus points for a) being
written by my favorite writer, and for having a storyline involving The Academy
Awards.
Best Chick Flick:
The Joy Luck Club. Watch it with your
mom and/or daughter. Watch it and call your mom. Just watch it. This movie also
gets huge bonus points for written by a family friend of mine, Amy
Tan.
Best Suspense Movie:
Rear Window. By Alfred hitchcock. Starring James
Stewart, Grace Kelly, and Raymond Burr. It's a classic. See it.
Best Drama:
Titanic. Told you it was coming. It has a massive special place in
my heart. In fact, I just added several pages to my Titanic
scrapbook.
Most Stylish Movie:
Breakfast At Tiffany's.
Audrey Hepburn, George Peppard. If you haven't seen it, you can't even be in the
running to be a diva. I watch it constantly to cheer me up. Holly Golightly is
the most charming character ever to come onscreen, and she works those Givenchys
with style and grace. Watch this movie, and you will see how Jennifer Love
Hewitt could NEVER fill Audrey's shoes.
There you go, kids. My all-time
favorite movie list. Next year, these awards will be televised at the Dorothy
Chandler Pavilion, hosted by myself and David Duchovny - watch for our love
scene in the opening teaser - and covered by all the major networks. Jennifer
Love Hewitt and Joan Rivers will not be invited.
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The Obsession Connection
It all started when I didn't watch Lois
& Clark for three whole days. And as you sit there, wondering how I could
actually still be alive after all the torment I have been through, just know
that I was in distress. Major distress. Three days of no Lois, no Clark, no
Tempus, no space rats, no Kryptonite, no Double Fudge Crunch Bars, and no
staring at Clark's cute...arms. His cute arms. Right. That's it.
Needless
to say, when I came to my senses on Sunday and realized what a major crazy
person I was, I frantically dug out the tapes and proceeded to watch them. In
the last three days alone, I've watched "House of Luthor", "Illusions of
Grandeur", "The Ides of Metropolis", "The Green, Green Glow of Home", "Lethal
Weapon", "AKA Superman", "Never on Sunday", and "Chip Off The Old Clark". Now
I've got my heart set on seeing "The Phoenix", "And The Answer Is", "We Have A
Lot to Talk About", "Ordinary People", "Home Is Where the Hurt Is", "Twas the
Night Before Mxymas", "Soulmates", and "Tempus, Anyone?"--in no particular
order.
I know that any FOLC can get Red Kryptonited occasionally. A case
of apathy, perhaps, when you're feeling "bumped", that can result in a kind of
mode where you don't want to watch L&C. It's like anything else--chocolate,
for instance. Chocolate is wonderful, but you know how, around Christmastime,
you get a whole lot of it? I mean, there's the Hershey's kisses, brownies,
fudge, cookies, pie, cake, candy, chocolate Santas, chocolate milk, Snickers,
caramel, gooey chocolate chips...and then someone offers you a nice big chunk of
warm chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, topped with Brown Cow
icecream...and suddenly, chocolate doesn't look so good.
Or maybe it's
like a book...you like this particular book and everything, but you *have* read
it 456 times...you just need a break from it. Pick it up in a month and dive
back in to it. Take a break.
You should never, ever, stop liking L&C.
To stop liking L&C is a crime beyond all crimes, punishable in most states.
But it is okay to take a break from the show for a few days, tops, as long as
you feel guilty the entire time, and promise yourself that as soon as your
interest comes flooding back, you'll watch it morning, noon, and night. Then go
out and buy all available merchandise, and beg your L&C poster for
forgiveness. Okay, LOL, mayyybe that's going too far.
So to change the
subject just a bit, today I would like to talk about obsession. Now, I don't
mean obsession, like what I was talking about in the last newsletter--being so
crazed that you'd actually go to Dean's house and sing for him--I'm just using
the word as meaning you like something so much you'd do *almost* (note: almost)
anything for it. Your just like it a heck of a lot...or you even love it. Now, I
love Lois & Clark, always have, but today let's talk about what Lois and
Clark themselves have loved.
Naturally, they love each other. I mean,
they're soulmates, it's a given. And they love their families, but most people
do (certain aunts, uncles, and cousins do not always count, in some cases). But
rewind a bit, to when my Clarkie first came to Metropolis. He was so cute! Wait,
I'm getting sidetracked. Okay, when Clark first came to Metropolis and
interviewed with Perry for a job at the Daily Planet, he saw Lois for the first
time. Later on in the show, he has been known to say that he loved Lois since
the moment he saw her...he has loved her from the beginning, etc. Lois thought
Clark was OK, but she *really* liked Superman.
Fastforward to "I'm
Looking Through You", when we learn Lois has Superman pajamas. Or to "Vatman",
where she mentions a Superman fan club ("You get a button!") Or to "Barbarians
at the Planet" (and I love this one) where she has a Superman scrapbook! And
then there's "That Old Gang of Mine", where it is discovered that she carries a
picture of Superman in her wallet. And this is long before she finds out Clark
is Superman.
Was Lois obsessive? Yeah, baby. Gotta love her. Was she
crazy? No way! Let's see...a scrapbook, a fan club, a picture, and pajamas...if
that's all the Superman stuff she has, she's safe. But I have always thought,
deep down, that somewhere inside Lois's mind, waaaayy down there, was the
knowledge that Clark was Superman, all along. It was just so deep down and far
back in her brain that she could never retrieve it except when she wasn't
expecting it (Hmmm...kind of like that beam of light that sent her info. in "The
Eyes Have It"...shoot, I'm getting sidetracked again). You'll notice throughout
the first two seasons there were instances where Lois looked like she was
*almost* going to figure out Clark's secret, but never quite could. Maybe being
Soulmates gave Lois a unique ability to just "know", but not *really* know, you
know?
If by some miracle you are still following this column, I applaud
you. And I would like to leave you with one quote...
"Can you say
obsessive?"
"I'm obsessively in love with Clark Kent!"
--Clark and
Lois, "AKA Superman"
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The Fanfic Side
by Rachel M. (Scardno007@aol.com)
Hey FoLCs! And how is everybody today? We just got assigned
Uncle Tom's Cabin in English. I nearly passed out...629 pages?! Yeesh! So
just ignore me if you find that I'm a little...out of it. Now I have to go work
on my research paper roughdraft that's due tomorrow! (Don't tell anyone, but I
haven't even finished the notecards yet...) Go ahead, you can call me a slacker,
I don't mind...I'd better just give you this issue's fanfic before Mom yells at
me...sheesh.
"Barbarians at the Orange"
AKA
"That Old Orange of
Mine"
by Sharon Brown and Darren
Clark Kent had just gotten home from
work and was about to change clothes when suddenly his super hearing picked up
an emergency:
"HELP! The plantation is on fire!!!!!"
Clark rushed
out of the window and sped towards Florida. He landed and
saw an orange
plantation ablaze, and with a gust of super breath, blew
it out.
As
he walked through the charred trees, searching for any possible
injuries, he
spied something gigantic just over a hill to the North.
As he topped the
hill, he stopped in surprise. Growing right before him
was the largest
orange he had ever seen. It was at least twice as big
as the Daily Planet
globe, and Clark walked over to get a closer look.
"Oh wow." said Clark.
"What in heaven's name could that be?"
He looked closer. It was an orange,
but it was really big.
"Oh my goodness," Clark said. "That is KEWL!"
He
touched the outside of the orange. Well, it felt like an orange.
Suddenly
Superman was hungry. He considered taking it back to Lois'
place for their
dinner. Then he decided not to. He had an idea, and
started tunneling into
the orange.
"Yum," said Clark. "This orange is good."
He tunneled
out an open area in the center of the orange for him, flew
home and got a
few lawn chairs and his tv, and set up. This was really
neat. "I could stay
here forever!" said Clark.
Just as Clark was relaxing in his new orange
home, he noticed
voices. They seemed to be coming from inside the
orange.
"I wonder what that is!" He got up to search, but suddenly
stopped as a
little creature crawled out to see him. "Hey bucko! My name is
Oscar!
Welcome to our huge, caused by radioactive seeds, home!"
"What
are you?" Clark crossed his arms and waited for Oscar to answer.
Oscar
crossed his two stumps of arms and said "Listen, buddy, we don't
like
strangers, so unless you let us illegally hook your cable box up to
our TVs,
you are EVICTED!"
"Well," Clark said, "I really like this place, and even
though I've got a nice wife and a good job, I think I'd like to stay awhile.
Sometimes I need a break from things, you know? Listen, you can sit here and
watch ESPN with me."
Oscar walked over and sat in a lawn chair. He
resembled a Care Bear, Clark thought.
"You'd let me watch ESPN with
you??" Oscar asked. "I am so touched!"
So they sat back and watched ESPN. A
few minutes later, they heard some racket.
"What is happening?" asked Clark.
"BOOO!!!" Clark heard someone screaming.
Someones, actually. Out
popped a creature that looked strikingly like
part of the My Little Pony
collection.
"I'm Meyer! Stop putting the moves on Oscar!"
"Hey,
it's ok, Meyer, Oscar and I are just friends." Clark said.
"Oh, alright."
said Meyer, who plopped down on the couch. Meyer was a
boy, but he enjoyed
dressing like a girl from time to time.
Oscar, Meyer, and Clark sat there
watching ESPN for a long time. When
they were hungry, they just reached down
and grabbed some orange.
When they were thirsty, they had orange
juice.
And no one ever had to use the bathroom while in the orange, it was
really weird.
Oscar, Meyer, and Clark became inseparable. Until
Weiner came along, that is.
Weiner didn't get along with
anybody.
"We CAN'T watch ESPN, we HAVE to watch Buffy!!"
"I hate
Buffy!" yelled Clark and Meyer. Oscar said so too. Weiner even got a VCR, and
offered to watch Evita. Clark and Meyer and Oscar were angry beyond tears about
that.
Clark raised his hands in the air. "Listen guys, no Evita, no
Buffy. I don't want to watch that kind of thing!"
Weiner sat in the
corner and pouted, and so Clark took the time to ask Oscar and Meyer about their
lives.
"Clark, we've been in here for 100 years. We never thought we'd
get
out, and we knew we were goners in that fire. We are so glad that you
came to save us!"
"I'm not." said Weiner from the
corner
"Weiner, shut your hole!" both Oscar and Meyer
yelled.
Meyer took over the life story telling. "Oscar, Weiner, and
myself have
been sitting around in this orange for a long time, so for fun,
we like
to sit around and write poetry, things like that."
"The only
station we've been able to pick up on our TV is PBS, our
stupid rabbit ears
don't do much."
"Clark, we wrote a poem about living in an orange, would
you like to
hear it?"
"Sure," Clark said, "I've got nothing better to
do, there's a commercial
on ESPN right now anyway."
Oscar cleared his
throat. "I call it an Ode to my Orange."
"Oh Orange, I've lived in you
for so long,
you make me feel like I'm hitting a gong.
Sometimes when I'm
feeling sad and blue, I eat you
because you're full of Vitamin C and cure me
of the flu!"
Clark and Meyer applauded politely, while Weiner booed and
threw rocks
at Oscar.
"Boooooooo," said Weiner, even after the rest
were finished
applauding.
"Yeah right, Weiner, you can't do one any
better!"
said Oscar , defiantly.
"Yeah right, my poem could kick your
poem's butt!" said Weiner.
"Ignore Weiner, Oscar, he is just being
immature." said Meyer.
"Fine, you can listen to my poem. It is very
good." said Weiner.
"Here goes....
Oh Orange, I'm tired of living in
you...
If I had one wish, I would take Oscar and Meyer and kick them until
they
were blue and out
of air and preferably dead but unconscious would
do...
I'm tired of eating bad food for dinner-- such as Orange
Stew.
Everytime Oscar and Meyer write a poem, I end it with a
BOOO."
"The end." said Weiner.
No one made any noise. "THE END!" said
Weiner. "What are you, deaf?
You're supposed to clap!"
"I didn't like
Weiner's poem." said Oscar. "I'm not sure, but I think it was about
me."
"It was a very nice poem, Weiner. " said Clark, trying to be
polite.
"Yeah, right," said Weiner. "No one ever listens to me. Everyone
hates me."
"That's not true," said Clark. "They love you,
Weiner."
Oscar and Meyer started crying.
Pretty soon, Oscar, Meyer,
and Weiner were all in one great big group
hug. Clark watched ESPN some
more.
As the women's rhythmic gymnastics competition came to an end,
Clark went to stand up. "Guys, it's been fun, but I've got to go home
and wash some clothes. Oh, and can you unhook your TV's from my cable
box?"
Oscar and Meyer suddenly grew six feet taller and a pair of big
white
fangs appeared in their mouths. "YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE!" Suddenly,
Weiner hopped forward, and changed into Jimmy Olsen.
"Hey, yes he can
leave, he's smooth!" Clark grabbed his lawn chairs,
TV, and Jimmy, and flew
out of the tunnel, with Oscar and Meyer hot on his tail.
Just as they
reached Clark's house and Oscar and Meyer threatened to kill Lois, Clark woke
up.
He was breathing heavy, and turned over to see Lois coming into the
bedroom.
"Lois, where have you been?"
"I was just downstairs, I
had the strangest craving for oranges."
Clark screamed and passed out.
THE
END
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Thanks
Sharon and Darren! Just one thing...where do you find rocks inside an orange?
-Rachel :)
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SuperThanks!
Molly, Rachel,
Jill, Karen, Maggie, and Cat!