The Diva Factor
by Karen (LadyFOLC@aol.com)

Even Aaron Spelling Is Against Me

Here it comes. It's been a while. Can you handle it? I've been so self-absorbed with boy-drama and animal prints that it's been a while since a truly pure string of ranting and rage has graced this column. But a truly catastrophic and possibly even apocalyptic event has transpired(I bought a new thesaurus). Melrose Place has been cancelled and will most likely be replaced by a new spin-off show starring... oh my dear Lord.... Jennifer Love Hewitt. This begs the question - WHY DON'T THEY JUST SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD?

Ever since I received the news, I have been surrounded by an unholy sense of yickyness. Melancholy is dripping down the walls, there's discontent between my toes. There's some sadness floating in my coffee, and they even glazed the Krispy Kreme doughnuts with despair. What am I going to do now without evil Amanda Woodward as my moral compass? How will I entertain myself if I can't make fun of the bad acting and contrived story lines? Do they honestly expect me to live an evil Bizzarro life vicariously through Jennifer "Call me Love because it has less syllables to remember" Hewitt?

So it was cancelled due to low ratings. This saddens me deeply. I am one of the few who followed Melrose Place and watched religiously from the very first ep, and every one since then. I am the person people come to when they've skipped a beat in a story line. I can trace the romantic lineage of every single character, past and present, and despite what others call a decline in believable story lines, (Hello, when were they ever believeable? Billy was possessed by the spirit of his dead wife Brooke, Kimberly came back from the dead, went psycho and tried to kill Micheal, got better, got more psycho and tried to give Peter a lobotomy while under the influence of her split personality "Betsy", got better, got a massive tumor in her head which shrunk completely and then came back with a thunder, and died. MAN, I miss her! And you want to find believability in Amanda's workplace hemlines, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.) it never lost the entertainment value. I still maintain that Melrose is the most entertaining show on television. Not the best, or highest quality, but there is nothing more entertaining than all the back-stabbing, cat-fighting, sleeping with your neighbor's husband, murdering, psychotic revenge-plotting, clothes-ripping fun every Monday at 8.

What am I supposed to watch now, Suddenly Susan? I'd rather stick my head in the toilet. And definitely not Jennifer Love Hewitt's Party of Five spinoff. Her idea of deep dramatic acting is shaking her head a lot when she talks. Looks like she has some sort of weird tick, or she's doing a bad Katherine Hepburn impression. She's everywhere, from those annoying Neutrogena ads that always air during my precious time with Buffy and Felicity to talk about her upcoming straight from the Devil's hands role of my beloved Audrey Hepburn, who she is so not worthy to play. THAT is what made me turn against her in the first place. Audrey never bounced her chest when she acted. Audrey never peddled "deep down tingly clean". Audrey never did that weird eyeliner thing that Jennifer has been doing lately when she goes out. And finally, my beloved Audrey never surrounded me with magazine covers and pictures of her giving the camera that puppy-dog, "I'm so sweet and vulnerable just like you, love me, pet me, take me home" look. In fact, if you listen closely, you can hear Audrey spinning in her grave.

Which brings me to the end of my rant. I know many of you enjoy the fine show that is Party of Five, and are fans of Ms. Hewitt. I am not disparaging you for this, only stating my rage. According to my therapist... maybe not mine, but someone's therapist.. I need to "find my anger". I think I'll find it with the help of Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry. They can help me find it at Saks Fifth Avenue.